Listen to "Wonder What I'd Be" while reading the story.
It makes sense for my first story to be my most personal. By first story, I mean the first story behind my music that I've shared with you on this website. "Wonder What I'd Be" discusses in reverse chronological order several major events that have completely changed my life. The first is a theoretical "if I quit my job today." Would I find a way to accomplish my dreams of being a professional independent musician if I quit my job right now? Or would my financial problems be so great that I'd end up homeless and have no chance at turning music into my career. "I wonder what I'd be if I had quit 2 years ago." At the time I wrote the song, it was almost exactly 2 years after I graduated college, and a logical time to quit my job and find a new one. One that actually uses my business degree. As an aside, I was a business major to learn how to manage my music better. It didn't work, and I hate business in general (really found that out my senior year in college), so I would have found a job that didn't really make me happy, but would pay me well and help me lead a so called normal life where I worked 9-5, had a wife and 2.2 kids, went out to ball games, taught my kid how to play catch, etc. "My dreams would be lost." I would have been forced to give up on music at that point. Having a 9-5 job and responsibilites beyond myself would have made it impossible to live my musical dream.
"What if I had transferred schools after publicly decreeing that Miami's not cool?" There's a line I'm surprised no one has commented on. I did have some issues with the university while I was in school, mainly with the bureaucracy, and at one point, I seriously considered transferring. Had I been more familiar with OU, I may have transferred, but I had never even been to Athens, Ohio. I did not transfer, though. I fought through my struggles instead of running away from them, and I'm glad I did.
"What if my grandma hadn't lost her home, and everything but her life to a stroke?" My grandmother had a stroke in 1999, and lost her house through medicare/medicaid. I don't know all of the details, and if I did I wouldn't bore you with the logistics of healthcare, but I was living with her at the time, and had to find my own place, and pay my own bills while trying to pay Miami back so I could go back to school. "What if I wasn't forced to live alone... would I be debt free?" I'm definitely not debt free now, and I'm not sure I'd be debt free if I could have lived with my grandma until I finished college, but the thought definitely crossed my mind when I thought about the possibility of my grandmother still being perfectly healthy.
"What if I hadn't dropped out?... I was helping a friend, and I can't pretend... the biggest reason that I quit was because I was blinded by love, but she never requited my love." I dropped out of Miami for three main reasons, friendship, unrequited love, and poor decisions based on both. I was actually skipping my classes at Miami to drive my friend to his in Cincinnati. Just plain foolish. I was also distracted by love. I still have no doubts that I loved her, but she wouldn't let herself feel the same way. I won't get into all of the whys, for I don't know them, and it would be unfair to her to tell them if I did; even though her name isn't here, some of you know who she is. After two years of being out of school, I was able to pay off my debt to Miami, and transfer a credit from Cincinnati State College to bump me from 63 credit hours to 64.5 and give me junior standing instead of sophomore. I was part time a couple of semesters, and finally full time the last three semesters. Very full time the last two, 20 hours, and 19 hours with a capstone each semester (Number Theory and Entrepreneurship), and working 35 hours per week. Still nothing compared to my mom teaching 3 jobs while having 4 kids and working on her PhD full time in her 40s, but still very full time.
"If I had finished at 20...to get my PhD by 23, ok maybe 25." I started Miami at 16. I dropped out as almost a junior (63 credit hours) at 18. If I hadn't dropped out, I would have graduated 8 months before I was legally allowed to drink. I likely would have gone straight to grad school (if I didn't program computers, as I was originally a SAN major, now referred to as CSA), and could have gotten my PhD by 23 if I found the right program, and almost certainly would have had my PhD by 25. "Would I be happier somehow...I could have handled the academics. I may have cured some epidemics. Would I be on my way to a nobel prize... what would I see when I look in my eyes?" I've learned a lot about life, and I realize that education doesn't make you better than someone else. It certainly doesn't make you happy; not inherently. Maybe I would be happier if I had my PhD now and was making six figures with it to do something math or computer related. Maybe I'd be miserable because I'd be completely socially inept, have no friends, and no chance at ever finding a woman who loves me for me. I'm only partially socially adept now, have a few close friends, and I don't know what my chance is of finding a woman who loves me for me. I certainly could have handled the academic rigors of any PhD program, if I weren't bogged down in trying to figure out how to pay my rent at the same time. It's in the realm of conceivability that I could have cured some disease, such as diabetes or cancer (both of which run in my family), or figured out how to get great health care to everyone for free, or some other noble endeavour that requires sacrifice beyond our imagination. If I had put as much into those things as I do into music, I could have done it. I don't have a clue what kind of person I'd be. I'd probably still be an extremely wide-eyed optimist, and probably just as zany as I am now, but making jokes to myself in a room with a chalkboard and equations.
"I hadn't played that game before my senior year that killed my career... I may have played college ball and gotten all my college for free, then where would I be? Playing for the Magic?...turn of events that contradict the pretense." Honestly, my junior year, my coordination was still catching up with my body. I shot up from 5 feet to 5'8" in 3 months between 5th and 6th grade, and another 6" to 6'2" in the next year. Shortly after my junior year, though, I got very serious about working out, playing ball etc. I got to the point where I could 360, and my vertical was in the upper 30s, probably 37". I could have dunked on an 11 foot rim if there was one around. Dunking on two people at once was my highlight of the summer. My best running shape was 8.5 miles in 51 minutes. I had also developed a decent jumpshot. Then, I played a pick up game at Withrow Court (when there were still a lot of games there because I don't think the rec existed yet), and in the most non-glorious way you can think of, I broke my right ankle. I was backing up on defense and didn't see my own teammate. My ankle rolled and broke as I tripped over his foot. I continued to workout as much as possible, and when I was about 80 percent I got into a pick up game with high school teammates. Even nursing a broken ankle I was in better shape than anyone else there, and definitely had the best game at that point. But, I rolled my other ankle after hitting a turnaround jumper and landing on someone's foot. They compensated for each other and I never recovered enough to really play seriously again, and quit the high school team after making it because I was injured, and because I was taking all of my classes at Miami anyway. I believe I was good enough to get a scholarship to a smaller school, and could have walked on at Miami. I would have eventually been teammates with Wally, and the scouts would have seen me as well as him. I may have made 10th man for some NBA team, or gone onto the CBA, or I may have injured myself in college, or I may have lost the desire to play due to 3 hour practices, or who knows what. I like to believe I would have played for the Orlando Magic, as they are my favorite NBA team, though I have been a Cavs fan longer, and I'll be very torn if they play each other in the playoffs.
"If my mom hadn't died and I hadn't cried. If we had detected the cancer in time for answers and a real chance to survive..." Most of you know by now that my mom passed away when I was 15. Playing for a Cure was on the 10th anniversary of when she died. By the time we detected her cancer, she only had a 9 percent chance of surviving. We still believed she'd pull through because she pulled through everything. She was 44 and working on her PhD full time while working 3 teaching jobs, with 4 kids, when she was diagnosed. If we had detected it earlier, she would have had a real chance to survive. "I'd have gone to college for free... maybe I'd be much greater than this and home with the misses, getting some kisses, instead of single with rarely a twinkle of romance." She had options lined up for when she finished her PhD. She could have taught at Vanderbilt University, and all of us children could have gone to college for free anywhere in the country. What an incredible benefit. She could have taught at Miami University, and I could have gone there for free. Going to college for free is completely insignificant compared to having my mom still be alive, but I would have had both. Maybe I would have gone onto better things because of it. Maybe that life would have lead to finding a wife and happiness. I'm happy now, but I'm single and haven't found love yet.
"What if I had never started rappin', there are so many things that could have happened." I started rapping when I was 13, and living in Orlando. If I hadn't started rapping, maybe I would have seen the signs of cancer in my mom earlier and she'd still be alive. Then again, maybe I would have gotten into trouble because I'd be bored a lot more often. Maybe I would have concentrated more on basketball and gotten a scholarship. Maybe I would have concentrated more on math and discovered some mathematical key to the universe. Maybe, maybe, maybe... "trying to figure out where I went wrong, without the aid of lyrics to my songs." Maybe I wouldn't have been able to get through my mom passing away; maybe I would have found other things to distract me from that reality, and gone to jail. "everyday just growing more dead" because I wouldn't be able to express myself, I may have lost myself, which in many ways is just as bad as being dead.
"What if I hadn't skipped a grade?" That's actually the short version. Long version... I was offered to skip 7th and 8th grade, primarily because I took Algebra 1 in 6th grade, and they'd have had to shuttle me off to the high school to take math. The day school started I decided to skip 7th. They decided to withdraw their offer and put me in 7th grade, until after the first nine weeks. I had straight As, so they bumped me to 8th grade after all, still having to go to the high school to take Algebra II. I went with two other kids, and most of the time my dad would pick us up from the middle school and drive us to the high school. "What if I had just laid back?" I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't been in such a hurry to finish school. I would have started college at 18 like most people, and it probably would have been a breeze. As it is, my first two years in college I was 16-18, and too young to really make friends, and when I came back I was almost 21 and finished at 23. By that time, I was focused on finishing school, and had a different set of classmates from when I started school. Of course, that means I went to school with both Wally Szczerbiak and Ben Roethlisberger, and Devon Davis too for that matter. I never met Wally or Ben, but I graduated in between them.
"I can't even pretend to comprehend if I had never met my best friend, what then?" If I didn't have a nearly lifelong friendship with someone; if I didn't have something that stable to overcome everything else, what would life be like? I really can't even pretend to comprehend that. "None of that matters anyway, all I can do is change today. Make a change or decide to stay. The future is in my hands and I understand I can't change the past. I can only hope to last long enough to live my dreams, and write the rest of my scenes." The ultimate point of this song is that all of those life defining moments are in the past. I can do nothing to change them, and I'm not sure I would if I could (aside from my mom passing away). All I can do is make decisions now that will affect the rest of my life. I can stay in Oxford and keep pursuing music, or I can move and keep pursuing music, or I can give up both, or I can make any number of other changes. I do hope to last long enough to live my dreams, and script the rest of my life as much as I can.
Back to MissionMan.net